


Now and Then

by EmiAliceinWonderland



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Post-Series, Teenager being a teenager, Three Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 16:20:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10282991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmiAliceinWonderland/pseuds/EmiAliceinWonderland
Summary: It takes three years before Yuri Plisetsky finds out about Yuuri's anxiety disorder.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LoveLife_Writing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveLife_Writing/gifts).



> Sequel/epilogue of sorts to my fic 'Every Day'. Hope it's what you were hoping for LoveLife_Writing! ^_^
> 
> This isn't meant to be Yurio bashing in any way - I love him, but he is a teenager with a lot of learning and growing to do and I can definitely see Viktor getting to the end of his tether with him one day in a situation like this. But yeah I do love Yurio, so hope it's okay!

Yuuri is 27 and he is beginning to know what a life without constant anxiety feels like. It may have taken two decades to get there but somedays when he thinks back to how miserable he was in his teenage years he thinks it's a miracle that he even managed to get to this age. 

The days of throwing up every morning from nerves and hiding it, having panic attacks alone through the night and not telling anyone are long gone. 

Viktor has helped so much. When Yuuri moved to St. Petersburg he had made sure to transfer Yuuri's medical details over so he could still get his medication, and then he had delicately suggested therapy. 

"I can come with you if you want?" he had said, his finger rubbing gently at Yuuri's shiny gold wedding band. 

Yuuri had nodded, and instead of apologising had said thank you. 

Some days are still bad, some days he still panics, some days he still throws up, some days he runs out of therapy crying, sometimes he and Viktor fight because anxiety is ugly and does not disappear just because you get married to the man of your dreams.

Mental illness grips on tight to its' mission to destroy all your relationships.

They don't let it though. They always make up, they always talk, and it's always okay. 

\---

Today is a bad day. Yuuri isn't sure why, and neither is Viktor so they go to the rink to practice anyway because Yuuri thinks skating might make him feel a little better. Nothing's _happened,_ but even after all this time, competing is still a huge stress to Yuuri and training in the same rink as a tall, graceful eighteen year old Yuri Plisetsky does not help ease the nerves. Especially when Yurio calls out his usual taunts when Yuuri and Viktor walk in. 

"Resign yourself to silver or worse, old man!" he calls out from where he's skating a lazy but beautiful step sequence before launching himself into a triple axel followed closely by a salchow and then a ridiculously fast sit spin, clearly showing off. 

Yuuri's mouth drops open a little because Yurio has definitely been holding back some of his moves for the next Grand Prix, and even though Yuuri has years on him and a wonderful coach in the form of his husband he isn't sure he can keep skating at the same level as Yurio. 

Normally, if Yuuri was feeling okay he would dismiss the taunt - he _knows_ Yurio is joking, anyway. They're friends now, close like brothers that like to annoy each other. 

But today is a bad day, and Yuuri's heart sinks and his throat tightens as Yurio comes out of his sit spin and flashes him a wicked grin. 

"Get to work, Piggy!"

Yuuri swallows hard and pushes out the best fake smile he can. 

\---

Viktor knows Yuuri is off today, he's been taking his medication pretty regularly, going to therapy, talking to Viktor, he's been doing amazingly well, but they both know that anxiety is something that he'll just have to live with. They can manage it, control it, but they can't get rid of it completely. And that okay until it's not. 

Right now it's now. Right now Yuuri is not okay. 

Viktor can see it in the way his shoulders are hunched in on themselves just slightly as he skates warm up laps around the rink. He can see it in the tense set of his spine and the dip of his eyebrows. He can see it in the way his skate blades shake slightly when he lands a simple jump. He can see it when Yuuri skates right past him and doesn't smile or reach out a hand to touch his cheek but instead turns his head away to hide the tears gathering in his eyes.

\---

"Yuuri? Come off the ice," Viktor calls out not fifteen minutes after Yuuri had put his skates on. Yuuri stops skating and his heart pounds. Is he really that bad today? Is he that awful, that fat and disgusting and stupid looking that Viktor doesn't even want to coach him for _half an hour_? His throat closes up and suddenly he feels the crushing weight of panic and not being able to breathe and his stomach lurches and his throat clenches and he gags and his knees shake and his vision blurs and his ears ring and it takes all the effort he has to skate on wobbly legs to the side of the rink where Viktor is waiting to grab him. 

"Bathroom." Yuuri gets out, coughing and gagging as he immediately pushes himself out of Viktor's arms and runs as fast as he can with his skates still on to the changing rooms and the nearest toilet to throw up in. 

 

\---

"What the hell's wrong with him? Did he eat too much katsudon last night? I told you you've gotta keep him in shape if he wants to beat me, Viktor."

"Yuri, stop."

"No, come on, tell me what's wrong, I'm not skating against someone who isn't proper competition, he's been awful this week, and you're far too easy on him. Just 'cause you're his husband doesn't mean you get to be a crap coach and let him off --"

"It's not like that --"

"Oh, come on, Viktor, I'm not stupid, you're pandering to him, you're scared of making him cry if you give him any criticism. Or throw up, I guess." 

"You don't know as much as you think you do, you know that Yuratcha? Teenagers have a lot of growing to do, remember that."

"Why the fuck are you talking to me like that now, just 'cause I asked why piggy's throwing up instead of training to beat me? Go coddle him and make him even more of a cowardly wimp, Viktor."

"Enough."

\---

Yuuri startles slightly as he comes back out to the rinkside to see Viktor standing with a stony expression on his face, Yurio beside him. Yuuri has cleaned himself up as best he can after a few minutes of throwing up and hyperventilating. His panic attacks don't last nearly as long as they used to, and he's proud of himself for being able to stop them relatively quickly now. His face is still red and blotchy and tear stained and his hands are still shaking but he is _okay._

"You've seriously been fucking crying--" Yurio starts but Viktor cuts in loud and firm and fierce in a way that Yuuri has rarely seen him. 

"I said _enough,_ Yuri!" 

Yurio blushes slightly, seeming a little shocked by Viktor's tone. Yuuri looks to his husband with wide, questioning eyes.

"Yuuri tell him," Viktor says, anger growing in his eyes like flames as he doesn't stop to let Yuuri answer and instead points an accusatory finger at Yurio.

"Tell this arrogant little boy that you are the damn opposite of a coward or a wimp. Tell him how you have to be a hundred times braver and stronger  _every single day_ than I do, than he does, than most people do. Tell him how you threw up every day from panic when he was staying with us at Hasetsu when we first met, but you still kept going and still got up every day to train and practice and be your very best. Tell him how _he_ is the damn reason for the sc--"

"Viktor, stop," Yuuri gets out, almost sobbing as he moves from the position he'd been frozen in go to Viktor's side. Viktor has angry tears in his eyes and he wipes at his face harshly, taking a deep breath. 

"I'm sorry," he says quietly to Yuuri. "I just -- I can't, I can't do this today." Yuuri nods in understanding. 

Yurio is frozen silent, mouth open a little when Yuuri looks over to him. 

"I'm the reason for what, Viktor?" he asks, voice quiet but harsh and tempered. 

Viktor shakes his head, and Yuuri blurts out "It doesn't matter, he's just -- stressed. I'm fine. He's fine."

Yurio ignores him. 

"Viktor," Yurio says, teeth grinding on each other, "tell me what I'm the reason for. What were you going to say?"

There is a beat of awful silence before Viktor speaks. 

"I shouldn't have said that. It's for Yuuri to tell you. If he wants."

Yuuri curls in on himself, Viktor wraps an arm around him and squeezes in a silent apology. 

 

"Yurio -- I, it's okay, it's not your fault -- not really, I just...today's a bad day and I can't...can't really cope with..." Yuuri's throat closes up and he can't speak for a moment. 

"I have an anxiety disorder," he gets out after a moment, "it's quite bad. I'm on medication and I go to therapy with Viktor and I'm okay but...but I still have panic attacks sometimes, and that's what this was just now. The anxiety makes me physically sick. And I -- um, do stupid things sometimes...to cope with it."

Yuuri takes a deep breath and curls closer into Viktor. 

Viktor sighs, calmer now and runs a hand through his hair.

Yurio is still eerily silent.

Viktor speaks up.

"Yurio, I -- I'm sorry for my outburst, I know you feel like an adult now, but you say such childish things, do you understand? You _hurt_ people with your words. And when you said Yuuri is a...a cowardly wimp, I just -- do you know how that feels, not just to him, but for me to have seen him struggle so much, to know how brave and strong he is and how much he has fought just to stay alive some days?"

When Yuuri looks up he is shocked to see Yurio's eyes glistening slightly with unshed tears. 

They lock eyes and Yuuri feels so, so awkward, but maybe this strange Monday morning confrontation will end up being good for all of them. 

"When we first met, you were having a panic attack, weren't you?" Yurio asks quietly, though it's more of a statement than a question.

Yuuri nods. "My dog had just died. I loved him like Viktor loves Makkachin, you know, I just -- it's not your fault, you didn't know, but...that's why I was crying so much." 

Yurio bites his lips and looks down. 

"How often does this happen now?" he asks, expression stony, "do you still throw up every day?" 

Yuuri shakes his head, "Now and then, but I'm a lot better now. Today was a fluke." 

Yurio brings his bottom lip into his mouth with teeth again before turning to Viktor and murmuring something in Russian that Yuuri can't understand. 

"Come on, I'll help you with the Salchow," Yurio says to Yuuri after a moment, placing a hand on his shoulder and leading him back to rink. 

When they are back out in the middle of the ice, Yurio says "I'm glad you're mostly better now". 

Yuuri says "Thank you". 

\---

When Yuuri gets his quad salchow perfect later that day, Yurio refuses to take any credit, and when he and Viktor get home that night Yuuri's phone buzzes with a text. 

From Yurio: _Hey. I'm the real coward because I had to wait until you and Viktor left to say this. I can't say things out loud sometimes. But I'm sorry. Really sorry. I didn't know your dog had died and I didn't know you had anxiety and I didn't mean to ever make you have a panic attack or some shit. I've just always wanted to push you and it annoyed me to think you were crying for no reason instead of getting out there and trying your best to beat me, you know? But I understand now. You're really brave, Yuuri. And I hope you know the only reason I taunt you at the rink is because I think of you like a big brother now. So yeah. Sorry. Truly. Have a night evening and see you tommorow._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are very appreciated, thanks for reading! xxx


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